Dialogues
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Thursday, May 31, 2007
new record, right? yeah, scares me too. ha.
well, tonight i have two other prospective renters, hopefully one of them works out, you know? just one. is that asking too much? well the good thing is one of the dudes interested is somebody that christopher found, so hopefully it'll go better than the last guy.
good thing is i don't have to officially pay rent here at the coop until the 5th, so that should give me some time to get things settled with the last apartment. *fingers crossed* Of course, there is always the fact that i am heading to prescott for diabetes camp pretty soon.
today, i tried to get my registration and title switched out here in IL. but it looks like i don't have my title certificate out here. i'll just have to ask amma to send it to me. that's assuming she knows where it is. haha. you'd think i'd know where i'd kept this shit, no? *shrug* well there you go.
i did hear from kelley yesterday. she called and said she'd keep calling just to let me know that she does care about me. that was sweet. only, after i called her back, i hadn't heard from her all day, so there is that. messages rock when the are mixed. shaken or stirred, doesn't fuckin' matter.
yesterday, i had a scare. i got low, but instead of treating it, i decided to continue with the project i was working on...refilling my iPod with new songs. well, after looking at the screen for some time getting lost in my thoughts, i suddenly jerked back to consciousness. funny, i think the first thing that came to me was when i saw henry in ecuador shake rapidly right before seizing that night. well, needless to say, i hightailed it downstairs and told my roommate about the situation and asked if there was any oj. well, she said she just put some into the fridge to thaw, so...well, i grabbed a glass of milk and, phew, i was saved. i was amazed at how unconcerned about it she was. it just solidifies the point that i have to do a diabetes workshop at our next meeting, just in case procedures, you know?
today, i hung out with a flamboyantly gay roommate of mine named James. cool guy, i guess he's working on an art history degree at northwestern (masters or phd, i am not sure). he asked me to 'dinner' on clark and devon sometime in the future. clark and devon, for all those who are unaware, is where the little india section of chicago is. although i bought my sis and my mom some saris whern i came two years ago spring break there, i have not revisited the place since. a shame since i literally live right up the street. oh well, priorities, i guess.
tonight, i am making perugu vadalu for the potluck at the leland house. i should probably get to that, since i don't know how long it'll take. i don't think it'll take that long, but the yogurt will have time to soak into the vadalu if i prepare it now, know what i mean? and anyway, i need to find a place that sells cilantro, since that is a necessity in indian cooking. it's my first time doing stuff like this, so wish me luck.
tomorrow i work in the morning. nothing more of note is in the plans, but we'll see, right? everyday is an adventure. and it's definitely raining outside. weird weather out here in chicago for sure.
dowdyfool
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
back again.
yeah, now i am living in a co-op in chicago, but how long all depends on whether or not i get someone to take over my lease in rogers park. shit. it's my old roommate, i don't blame anybody for not wanting to move in with him. it's just so hard not to be settled. and we all know that when i am not settled, i don't get anything done.
as for the co-op, that shit's awesome. i am totally enamoured with the place. we compost, we cook together, we eat together (sometimes). and the best part is, they accept hammie. well, not completely. he's not able to roam all 'round like he wants to, but i do take him on tours of the place at night to stretch his legs a little. the dude is big.
in other news, i need a job. i have done a lot to get my teaching cert out here, but there is still more to be done. and it's not good when i am not organized...this usually affects my focus and my concentration and especially my motivation. you'd think it's a good thing that i am journaling about this stuff, but to be honest, i have been sitting in front of this laptop screen all day. bleh.
sometimes, you just have to keep on keeping on...shit's bound to happen sometime soon. i mean, it's a good apartment. and i am well qualified to be a teacher. so when all these things pan out, i will feel like a million bucks. right?
i have also had some problems with this girl i have been luke warm about. not really problems. when i call her, we chat for a long time about everything. and it seems like she enjoys it. but then she never calls. today i got a text from her apologizing for her aloofness, but she's sort of distanced herself from life. well, i guess that makes sense, only i still can't figure out how i feel about her. and the fact that i am not on only magnifies things.
there it is, right? when shit is going well, the sky's the limit. when it isn't, well...i don't want to know how that line ends. i have got to find something to do.
dowdyfool
Thursday, March 1, 2007
3:19PM
the best word in the English language you ask? naptime, I say.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
6:52PM
sorry kristen for forgetting!! i went to cut the hair (she did a terrible job)...and then worked out.
later pick up ric and drink with tom. wonder if russell's coming
kim tomorrow. moving!!! aaaaaagh!
Friday, February 23, 2007
3:07PM
i am cleaning. wish me luck. if i get done tonight...well, let's not even answer that question.
it will be done. and i will once again be happy.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
yo journal, what's the word? oh, yeah, i guess your word is pretty much based on what i say, huh. damn. hopin' you'd have a li'l something something to share. you know, if this relationship is gonna work out, i am gonna need a li'l effort from your end, mmkay?
well, it's time for bed, and although my room is halfway between pig sty and 'goddamn that's clean' i am feeling better about shit. just in general. and mom and i had a good discussion about relationships tonight too. that doesn't mean you're off the hook, journal.
the other day i typed 'how many president's have to die for me to get the day off' to katie. i am ashamed. i went back and corrected it...it was because it's called president's day, for fuck's sake. damn, i know, it was stupid. way to possessivize a plural.
tomorrow is gonna be appsolutely amazing and then i have nothing to worry about til cleaning and moving. that's pretty much now as well, but it'll be relatively more stress free when the word is out.
word on the street is that it's one week til i am 25. quarter of century. third of my life. half of my age when i think seriously about retiring. damn. shit happens too fast around here. whatev.
i gotta pee. oh, and i got an iPod from mom and dad. and some cash. well, actually a check, but you get the idea. well, it's nap time, so until tomorrow (or whenever i get around to updating this one sided relationship)...
your dowdyfool
Monday, February 19, 2007
11:39PM
i looked in the mirror and saw my eyes sunken in. my jaw was drawn against my already long face advertising my gaunt face. behind my droopy eyelids and the heavy dark shadows, my eyes appear lifeless and dull. my listless muscles hang flack, dichotomous to my once taut and alert appearance.
in a time of rebuilding myself, i find that already tenuous connections can be severed without notice. never before has my uouth been so rtested against my physical age.
my body has been removed from active engagement. i have been removed from duty and the reenlistment papers have been lost. my necessity to deceive others into seeing me as 'entier' has brought on an early apocalypse. i need to recharge.
alone?
alone.
i also need to shave tomorrow.
your dowdyfool
one more thing off my list, for what it's worth. hopefully the momentum will last.
well, it's nap time. that's all i have until work.
tomorrow? to kim's. laundry and grocery shopping are a must.
next, cleaning the room and the car and sending the apps out.
one thing at a time, right?
your dowdyfool
Saturday, February 17, 2007
ears are still plugged. especially the left one. this usually leads to a depression of some kind. and of course, this has proven to be true once again.
i tried to journal today the food old fashioned way. didn't come up with much except a whole bunch of disappointment. i was sitting in the sun for a while there. enjoying one of the last sun-filled phoenix days i will experience in a while.
one of those days, huh? yeah, one of those days. one of those days that i should be making my way over to my family, but instead, just lounging...watching crappy movies on tbs. eating silly food like pb & j sandwiches and milk.
so i head to fry's just to buy some cat food for my pooping machine of a cat. i walk in and enjoy a genuine moment with the greeter. i really didn't mean to make it a genuine smile, to tell the truth, but by the time the impulse left my brain, it was too late. way too late. the smile didn't fade until i walked passed the disposable cameras on display.
i went, weaving through the snack aisle, of course, to the pet food section and grabbed the chef's blend for pooper mcgee. then i turned around and walked to the registers. only this time, i passed by the beer section, so i could be sure to reward one other person in my life...boozer mcgee. pooper and boozer. we really were meant for each other, huh? i decided on some on-sale-variety-i-haven't-tried-before beer and high tailed it to the self check out. the cash only one didn't have any wait and i charged purposely towards it with my two items and ten dollars. it came out toe 10.25. yep, one of those days.
apparently a quarter of a dollar costs about a quarter of an hour, timewise. well, maybe not, but it certainly feels that long. prolly only took me a quarter of a ten minute period. easier to say 2.5 minutes, i know, but not as poetic. and we're always looking for the most poetic way to write things.
low. that's what i am right now. shaking. i should prolly treat this shit.
on my mind: law school. teach for america. essays. letters of recommendation. moving. applications. writing. low blood sugar. katie. packing. birthday.
perhaps any and all of these can be related to my little story above. or better, perhaps my story is a metaphor for any and all of these. have fun trying to place each of these into the story to create a hari-phor. let's try one, shall we?
going to the snack food aisle in the pet section is like packing up a bunch of shit and having to go somewhere. the smiling is the momentary nostalgia that i'll experience with the rush of emotion that precedes long distance moving. the beer is beer. and the not having enough money during check out is not being completely prepared. but i still walked out with the shit i wanted, so it just goes to show that if the first way doesn't work, it doesn't mean i still can't short change those motherfuckers.
peace, out.
your dowdyfool
Friday, February 16, 2007
ah yes, almost a year after posting the haunting words of my epic haiku, i return. i journaled a lot in india, but, alas, it was with the outdated paper and pencil technology of old.
i am glad to be back. i am impressed with my writing. in fact, it was after reading the stuff that i wrote, i decided to assume my old psuedonym. dowdyfool.
plain and foolish. both words that haunt me. homely and idiotic....worse yet, unimaginative and inept. dowdyfool. it is under my new avatar this journal shall prevail.
ballet tonight. and apartment papers. must go.
your dowdyfool
Sunday, May 14, 2006
9:24PM
mother's day. good. thanks, mom. overwrought. felt like crying during breakfast at tiffany's. *shrug* called kristen...left message. i wonder: does she still blame it all on me? talked to adam. if good friends are hard to come by, i wonder where i went so right. nine days left of school. am i making the right choice? time will tell. regret. distance. fondness. lonely.
a haiku:
such lovely poems
i am defacing the art
counting syllables
good night.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
all fingers sitting neatly on homerow. pointers sense the comfort of the bump as all the fingers remain perched. los dedos son relajodos pero a la misma vez expectant. something is about to happen. if fingers could breathe, mine would be holding their breath. not in anticipation, oh no. my fingers are too haughty for a waiting game. no impetus from the brain great or small would ever incite my fingers to inhale the thick oppressive polluted air. no, they sit motionless only because they are at home. below qwerty and above those rare and valuable scrabble letters. relaxed at the wrist, a gentle curve at the knuckle, each waiting pad sitting, exerting almost enough pressure to depress the key below. yes. my fingers are wallflowers watching the rest of the world engage in the wonderful tap dance of words, literacy, power. it is not my brain that lacks the creativity or my mind that lacks the imagination or my memory that lacks the experience. it is simply my fingers full of potential energy resting at asdfjkl;
Saturday, April 15, 2006
man, this morning i feel good. i thought i would sore and stuff after that work out, but nope, i am just as limber, awake, alive as i could be. maybe i shoulda used slashes there instead of commas *shrug* oh well. i think part of the reason i am so awake at 7:30 in the morning is because i am pretty low in blood sugar. and this is after being conservative about my dose last night. it coulda been worse, i coulda had to wake up in the middle of the night to treat myself...although some maintain that 7:30 am on a saturday is technically the middle of the night.
coupla things to do today. head downtown to check out the bike swapmeet. maybe i can get some ideas (and/or good deals) for a new bike and some accessories. after that i'll head to the library to drop off some books (and pay some fines). then, i'll drive out to glendale to watch a musical that one of my students is acting in. finally, i'll return home, make some dinner and head to club eleve' for jorge's birthday party. overall, it should be a good day.
well, first things first, off to breakfast.
Monday, April 3, 2006
11:51PM
it's the writing section of the aims. i peeked in on the third graders to see how they were doing...music teachers like me get some extra time during testing when we are not teaching classes to 'proctor' testing for limited english speakers.
that's possibly where the prompt from my last post came from. *shrug*.
11:48PM
i hate writing i hate writing i hate writing i hate writing you know whenever we did freewrite in class i hate writing i hate writing the teacher miss gunderson always told us to keep our pencil moving on the paper i hate writing i hate writing she said that even if we wrote i hate writing i hate writing on our paper i hate writing i hate writing soon enough a topic will begin to emerge and a theme will display itself i hate writing i hate writing i hate writing right before your very eyes i hate writing is it working?
Saturday, April 1, 2006
7:01AM
wow. saturday and i am up at 6:55a. why? i have to take a class today and next saturday. 'a class about what?' you ask. it's about english immersion in elementary school. 8am to 5pm. ugh. it already sounds pretty bad.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
way past bedtime...a hankering for a nice piece of self-made 2nd wind literature.
just sent an email out to all my 'betic friends explaining my current stalemate with my endocrinologist and opening up the floor to suggestions. dropped a line in there about AYUDA as well. excited about the prospects of Ecuador (although I am terrified)
three reasons:
1) unknown. underdeveloped. civil unrest.
2) shaky spanish (at best). fellow counselors with huge resumés.
3) fundraising $3500.
wow is right. even lied to my parents regarding the money that needs to be raised. *deep breath in and then out whistling through the left nostril* wow.
requested missing staff development at AzDA (arizona diabetes camp) so i can travel to wash DC for a meet and greet with the other AYUDA counselors. the trip to dc would be cut short-the campo amigo folks want me, but they don't want me to miss my camp. hope that a little give on both sides will make all happy (and me tired).
summer is lookin' busy. back to back camps (AzDA and anytown) with a little DC beforehand. looking forward also to biking from venice to prague for two weeks before returning to the us in time to unpack, launder, and repack clothing.
worst (or best) paht of the whole deal is this: i come back to staht school immediately. even if i teach in anothuh district.
summer. still months away. what am i worried about? i know that life takes care of itself (it has in the past) but sometimes the phrase offer little comfort. wish i could spend more time with you journal, but time is short and priorities are random.
some say that these summer activities are gonna rock my resumé. that's cool. but will that really matter when it comes time? goal-organize. do it. you can tell i am far from it when my rambling spreads itself across the keyboard as if my fingers james joyce my thoughts.
i wish i could corral them. would that my fingers typed fast enough to record each of my thoughts as they happened. i am still picasso in his blue period. when will my 'pencil' break through the paper and touch the fourth dimension: the future. (sorry einstien, i know it's time, but it'll never be time for me...you understand, right?) sometimes my thoughts speed by so fast i wonder if the thought ever had a chance to be pensieved. a pensamiento without a chance of realization. does it mean i need to connect or does it mean i wasn't meant to analyze it yet? maybe recharging will help. it is late. good night.
Current mood:  hopeful
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
bulletin: hey, i got this email and i wished that my cat's fur would turn purple and that was at 3:05 pm. After sending this message to all my friends, neighbors, and other random emails that i made up, at 3:18 (13 minutes later), I dropped acid and the cat that I never had suddenly turned a dark shade of magenta right in front of my eyes! I couldn't believe it! I never believe these things, but it worked!
Gimme a freakin' break. The very premise of the email is doomed to logical contradiction. First, the email must exist before it is sent to the person whose life was changed by the initial email. The email, however, does not include text of any value (unless you consider asterisks and SCROLL DOWN valuable text). In other words, before the email existed, somebody came up with a story that was directly influenced by not only the creation of, but the receipt, and the forwarding of said (unwritten) email.
Two reasons why this email is so sad? Number one is obvious: it's untrue and some shmo decided to add his/her two cents to the forward tree and some other shlemeel decided to receive it, believe it, and repost it. Great. What's the second reason, you ask? Those same lame stories are the ones I read when I received my first piece of junkmail and I am still plagued with them today. Wouldn't you think by now by the simple rule of coincidence that something cool happened to someone else when they resent that email to all his/her friends (god bless them). If the email is going to circulate through every rural/urban area within the English speaking world, can't we add some interesting tidbits for those people with curiosity that undermines their logic centers? like me? please?
Current mood:  annoyed
Friday, March 17, 2006
11:10AM
a house.
a simple discussion about preparing a traditional indian mango pickle was underway. my father sitting on the couch hunched forward with his heels down on the cold tile and his toes pointing to the track lighting. boyish charm. i am genuninely curious. i, of course, am sitting in my designated area on the sectional, the other end. leaning back asking questions. will i make aavakaaya anytime soon? i don't intend to prepare it until i have my own kitchen. that's torn it.
my dad, eager to create conflict...the words 'my own kitchen' still hovering in the air between either end of the sectional. lingering just above the coffee table connecting childish curiosity with...here it comes. he takes a moment. a pause. he straightens and uncrosses his legs. plants the balls of his feet firmly onto the tile floor. well, son, what would you say if we 'sell' you one of our houses? it would be a two year process and you wouldn't have to lift a finger (except maybe to sign some papers). by the end of the two years, you can move in or you can sell the house. the choice is yours.
choice. what does dad know about choice? what does he know about freedom? hmm...teaching has taught me patience. initially, i would have heard dad's words and felt my pulse accelerate, my body heat rise, and my fists clench. before i have a chance to respond, mom enters from the kitchen and heads directly to the couch. her path determines her alliance. is she going to step over my shoes and around the coffee table on my end or traipse around dad's feet and seat herself adjacent to him? merely a moment...less. ah. the best i can now hope for is a stalemate. we'll talk about this again later.
what the fuck do i need a house for? in west fucking phoenix? oh yeah, i could rent that fucker out and make money. like it was that easy for mom and dad to do that. or perhaps i should be happy that at the end of the two years, i can sell the bugger for $30,000 profit. wow. i don't want to live in phoenix. i don't want burdens that aren't my own. some may say that i am a brat, but wtf?
lemme put it this way, mom and dad. if i were to tell you that i was buying you a perfume or cologne for your birthday and you said it gave you a headache, would i still buy it? no. thank you for the offer of the house, i realize it's a great investment and blahdy blah blah, but i want to go it alone. i know you'll help me if i need it, but lemme ask. most parents would be proud of this sort of decision, but you consider it a slap in the face. all i can surmise is this: obviously the house is a burden and you would love to unload it. if you give it to me, you don't have to feel guilty that you had 10 houses on the west side of phoenix at one point and none of them have housed our family. namely your children. and finally when (more like if) you leave this country to live in india, you want a place to crash when you feel like returning to visit your children. none of these reasons appeal to me.
my father is a funny man. during our 'conversation' (in which i am severely outnumbered), dad 'excuses' himself. when i am pleading my case trying to keep the tremble out of my feeble voice (not because i speak softly, but because of the deaf ears receiving the transmission) dad stands up and walks around the room and exits to his bedroom. what does this mean? i am through listening. i have heard this sniveling before. i'll let mom and son duke it out. i have to pee. minutes later, when it seems the tempers are calmer, dad reenters and steps on mom's words to continue his argument.
for what it's worth, i made it out alive. happy st. patty's day.
Current mood: annoyed
Monday, March 13, 2006
rain, rain go away, come again another day...
rain in phoenix and snow in flagstaff. it's good because after 143 days without rain, it was very much necessary, but somehow the rain always make me feel depressed. sheena once told me that rain in the desert is always miraculous. through her eyes, i can appreciate the phoenix shower. hmm...a miracle depresses me. rather depressing indeed.
well, flagstaff is out. there's no way i am gonna drive through that storm in my dinky new car. although missing saturday shifts quite a few of my spring break plans. poo.
sunday is better day for traveling anyway, right? syringes 15.99 at walgreens. toothbrush 2.10 at target. forgetting my underwear back in phoenix? priceless. well, i guess i really could put a price tag on new underwear, but instead i am just doublin' up pants. brings new meaning to the phrase 'pair of pants'.
yesterday afternoon after an inane bout of scarf shopping downtown with Kim, we hung around the gabby front desk, chillin'. (she was working, i was chillin'.) or she was chillin' and workin' and i was just workin'...er chillin'. nevermind.
I called up bekah to meet her for some coffee. i said hi to jessica from the gabby and talked to kim a little while longer...i really shoulda been on my way (since bekah hates when i am late) but whatev.
would you believe i still beat her there? i guess she walked, but as ridiculous as i am, i played it off as if i had been there forever. she didn't believe me. oh well. vegetable soup, chai, and spinach bagel. yum. the talk wasn't bad at all either. it's best when we are one on one in a third party arena.
next shuttled us to safeway to pick up some nice brandy and headed to ricardo's. good to see him. looks kinda scruffy with a beard...just needs a trim. if you've read this far into this journal entry, you are a trooper. lord knows that my story telling skills are not great. ha.
after hugging jay and tom (and grabbing his booty while he was on the phone with his mother to whom he proceeded to tell what just happened) i hurried ricardo out the door for dinner at dara thai with Kim, Russell, Ricardo, Bekah, and yours truly.
yum.
ate all the food, enjoyed the company, and slept like baby until the freakin' snow blower passed by Kim's window.
Thank you Kim for listening to me go on and on about Kristen, Bekah, and other stuff. I feel a lot better for getting all of that off my chest. gives me perspective and a feeling that i made the right choice. i needed this trip. well, Kim's waiting...
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